Coming Back to Life ……. !

This is just to express;not demanding answers or favours……. Absoluely for no reason! This craziness too makes me …… When I can’t speak, atleast words serves as a resort ……..

I didn’t like much of ‘rock’ or western (except some classics and a few selcted ones) until this one, suggested by Siyad (2003, trical passout; his favourite song). The song ‘Coming back to Life’ by Pink Floyd. And now I hear it more than anything. You know why? It communicates a feeling which must have hurt EVERY ONE at some point of time. ‘Where where you ……..’ And the ‘you’ doesn’t mean anything particular. May be a person or conditions (or GOD for believers or time ….) ….. But we must surely sing along atleast once …..

Coming Back To Life

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else’s words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

I’m not devoid of any optimism. But yes, things have happened in such a way that I might have to keep ‘interests and ambitions’ aside for some time. Might not think about future this year. May work in silly things! Then go ahead once firm. No, fire WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. Conditions beckon me to live differently. Coming back to ‘life’ in a way ….. (as people define it) Not that life is just that small time gap ………The unpredictability makes life! And that makes it beautiful.

I didn’t apply for permanent lecture post at NITC (academic interest is the first issue). Deepak Sagar and Rejith (both working at L&T and Reliance Energy respectievely) are through the test and had ‘demo class’ today. But I feel GOOD for having not applied! Yes, to be not part of a system that STINKS! When ‘power’ is misused to such an extend (esecially in Dept. of Architecture as I could make out, although with no exceptions really) that primary purpose of an institution is forgotten; when being human is not tolerated but only machines are encouraged. I wrote earlier about my perspective about class. I WON’T TAKE ATTENDENCE, WHATEVER IT MEANS. I’m still confident about making people attend my classes. HIGHLY CONFIDENT. I WILL NEVER MISUSE POWER AS A TEACHER. The first thing that I told my class is ‘NEVER RESPECT POWER, BUT ONLY STRENGTH’. To not call me ‘Sir’ but my name so as to anble them to equally respectable as a teacher. Not to make them dummies, but dignified, sensible and confident human beings. Education is that which alleviates all fears from the heart of a student. Everything else is a mere conditioning. You know, I really feel educated! I don’t have fears. Concerns of course, since being human. But what is the worse that will happen? They might throw me up. Even otherwise I might be terminated after a month since the permanent recruitment procedure is on. So this is just for ONE month with 85% probablitiy. But it is not that which makes me do these. You should feel the heat from here. You can just live on without being bothered. But I don’t belong to that breed. Even if that is the cutoff for a semester long term.

About me …………. Hahahahaha … “Vaa keriya daivam erayum thranumennoru chollundallo …..!” I JUST DON’T HAVE FEARS ABOUT ME. Still, concerns about other people. While father is weak and sick, while other commitments burdens up, while I owe a career to my brother …….. I may be still have to unconventional ……………… LIFE IS GREAT! IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

You know, the best ‘humour’ in this world is also the creation of Jewish writters like Wodgehouse and likes …. (but still, Israel remains the most oppressive state in this world! What a paradox!). Even after centuries of torment; after ‘Oshwitz’ and ‘Nazi onslaught’, they could laugh at their life. A beautiful smile at their pathetic conditions and write brilliant words which could make anybody laugh. This is the zenith of greatness as I percieve now. To laugh at yourself; your sorrows. To look life from a higher plane …………… Hmm … Philosophical of course. But yes, I feel so …… And thank you Pink Floyd …..

World and an Ex-Service man.

There is nothing special about Radhakrishnan. He is neither the poorest man on earth, nor a well of person. Just ordinary as per the popular jargon. An ex-service man, 47 years of age. No permanent job but alive with plenty of concerns and yet to be faded ambitions about his life and family.

I met him today. A security personnel at IMSc. An ex-central government employee and now a contract worker. Well, a sum of 3500/- ruppes per month is something peanut for the S/W buddies of the day. Not for him. That is his wage. Of course, a similar additional amount as pension too. Still, he too lives at Chennai. Like many others.

I can only imagine how painful it felt for him when the powers that be (Govt.) sapped the most youthful years of his life as “service” for the country and finally kicked him labelling the “ex”. Yes, certain things can only be felt. Only when you pass through the ordeal. And now with two young children he too is confused and worried about his “fate”, like the thousands or ten thousands like him.

“Ex-service people have no respect here”, he complained. But where do they have a “respect”. People are always instruments for the powers. Neither do the powers have concern about them, nor did the people ever realise what they were, until the climax- the throw away cerimony colourfully named as retirement. Who cares about them afterwards?

Temperory security jobs paying meagre sums; the only alternatives. Still, they too live with ambitions, worries, deep sorrows and little joys. Perhaps, this is the human story everywhere.

It reminds me an old statement about Ramayana. “It is melancholy. Just melancholy throughout.” World is so sad!

Rage Against Self.

I am nothing but a hypocrite! Yes, a nut who knows only to boast. A chatter box who speaks big words like “socialism” and “real democrazy”. Who read a hell a lot only to think and find justifications for own actions. Impotent! Yes, I am …….. A bloody fucking bullshit ………….

“What is the matter with you?” – Yes, I heard your question. This is not an overflow of emotions out of “worldly intoxications”. Exactly not. I take alcohol or any intoxicant for that matter. This is an overflow of rage – a rage against self.

We watched two movies today back to back. Metropolis (Silent movie, 1927) and Hasarom Khwayisheen Aisi (Hindi, 2005). Both thought provocking in a way but still incomplete in a lot of aspects (I’m not talking about the technical perfection). The stream of thoughts which came after analysing both, has culminated into a rage. A feeling of pity for myself. Something always there inside, but hidden brilliantly with the help of diplomatic smile and words which were efficiently inculcated by the system although with own consciousness. I and you (the people reading this blog) are only impotent selfcentered morrons who can only camouflage with glorious acts of hypocrisy which we call elegance ……….

“What is the issue? What was so gripping about those movies?”; Aren’t these your question. Yeah, I know this needs explanation. And yes more so for we are only those middle class amul babies who do not want to think. And even if we do, happy to control them to the limits of our existing rotten ideals.

I have heard a lot about the “real India” (or the real world). But frankly never felt although tried hard to feel. Ultimately convinced myself that I did. Why should a system be so skewed in certain people’s favour? Who ever they are; which ever class (any yes as per todays reality against the downtrodden, socially and economically poor class).

More than the scenes from the movies, it was the basic underlying reality that bit me. Hasaron Khwayishen Aisi presents a very indifferent potray of the naxalite movement. The cult attitude which was more a stray syndrome. The story line and picturisation although par above any average Hindi movie, was presented more as a commodity to be sold. Yes, we are living in a market. All of us. As mere pawns of the masters who determine our fates. May be the invisible hand of “Adam Smith”. But what is it which is going on now? Why have we become so indifferent and insensitive? Why an “American dream” is the sole thing that we (most of us) could visualize? Of course, I agree that virtues do exist in ourselves in the midst of these contradictions. But I am talking about this ME. A member of this barbarian, selfcentred, indifferent but fortunate youth. Who made us? Or is it our own make? I simply don’t know ………….

I was confused regarding whom to sympathise with. Perhaps the character Geeta is better. Atleast she was consistent through out. The movie really potrays the contradictions in life. Perhaps its futility too. But no. This feel of contradictions in life is not the reason why we are like this. Over protectionism from the very childhood could be something to put the blame up on. Yet, ultimately the question becomes “is it mere fate that decides our destinies?”. Have we no role in it? Since, I believe yes we do, I have to admit my hypocrisy. Not just me, all of us. Perhaps hypocrisy is what has increased in the society (not freedom, not any other ideals) after 58 glorious years of freedom. And mind you we stand with no right to speak about freedom. WE HAVE TAKEN IT FOR GRANTED. We simply do not know its value. We don’t. Neither did the previous generation consisting of people who rose against emergency could teach us. What are we then? Confused souls! Mortals with only self ambitions; dreamers of glorious selfs. And still, at times speakers with inexhaustable stream of words to add value to “personality”.

Leave nationalism and all bullshits. Where did the empathy vanish? We have only sympathies (I mean the handful of better of people). All we desire is wealth, power and sex. Yes, full stop!

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Hmm ……… This is after a pause. It feels good to express own rage. Better off now! But wouldn’t like to take back any of those words. I AM. WE ARE. Can we do something? Well, optimism is a deadly disease which I had from day one. …….. So …….. Yes, I might be or like to …….. Too coward to be emphatic as to say will be.

I am no supporter of violence even as a stray incidence. “Violence” – Use of physical force against people unless as an act of self defence by an indivigual or group. Not the violence against “tyranny” but against everything else including people described scape goats (or the hench men of the system who aren’t the real culprits) in that so called holy altar. So naxalism as what I could read, isn’t appealing. But atleast they weren’t hypocrites. So were do we stand?

Well, it certainly makes sense to be a physicist. I like it. World needs them too. But when reality bites it becomes a mirror showing what we actually are.

At last a word of self consolation – Atleast, I think like this(it has made no difference in the present). But with time and maturity, I might be. Just might be. After all when all people are shades of grey, Am I so bad! AM I? ………
Don’t know. But putting accross these thoughts do give some relief …………………..