A bit more than two years ago, I said something I always wanted to tell ……. It was when I was in Chennai, with Mayukh, Yohan, Ashu, Puneet, Kapish, Sajith and others …
I don’t know who all exactly where with me then; it was a tea session in the afternoon at the Taramani gate, Adayar. The context was a coversation about the ‘first love’……….. I replied in a way, my logical self would not have permitted , but still couldn’t help so ….. I belive that it is true as far as I see it ………. So this is a conversation from the past; the time when I started bogging ….
[Mr. X] : So you have not told her, despite many years of liking her you just were beating arround the bushes out of cowardness and still claim you have had a first crush (call it love) that you love…!!!!! What is it man? Just bust it! Get the reply and if yes, go ahead (if that is what you like) or else ‘catch another bird‘ (the Hindi translation)…….
[Me] : …. Have you seen the movie ‘Bruce Almigthy’?
[Mr. X] : Yes of course, I have …… !
[Me] : Well ,then there is one dialogue of Bruce (Jim Carry) which I remember to convey you what I felt.
[Mr. X] : Come on ….
[Me] : When the ‘God’ (Morgan Freeman) asked Bruce is there something he wished at last he said “I want her (his girl friend) to be happy ….”. Then God said “happy…..! ???” … And Bruce replied, ” yes happy, whatever it means ………”. God continued asking, “whatever it means???”. Bruce was stren in the reply-”WHATEVER IT MEANS…”
[Mr. X] : ………… (silence) .. .That was a good story .. romantic …. hmm… But I don’t know you would ….
[Me] : Reach an “end”, isn’t it? I don’t know… I love to reach ….. But even when it happens to be a no, I mean it
[Mr. X] : What?
[Me] : That, “whatever it means ………..” … 
Although, I am not Bruce or Almighty to claim it……
……………… …… ……
… ….. …
After almost an year in the mid April, I made that confession to that ‘person concerned‘….
Even after another busy year at this point, that first denial never made me forget the conversation (and obviously never her) ……
I know, I told what I felt true …… I know what it meant and it means….. So there it stand.
It means, you need not feel to be reciprocated always or to be identified; all you need to live with love, is to LOVE…. WHATEVER IT MEANS ………. Whereever she is, however she is, whether or not she could consider me as that (lover), I love her and want her to be happy; the best she could be for her; whatever it means (to me)………….
Human beings are not always logical. Somethings need not be logical at all too…….. But we can appreciate the illogicals, the aburdities at times ….. May be that strength propels us to live with the pain, pleasure and silence of our lives (well I agree that in the absolute sence these are are unlinked with “logic”, still in the more human sense)……… Yes, the illogical in me still find it happy when I see my first love happy and feel too uneasy when I hear she happens to be not ….. whether or not she love me or not …… I just want to see her happy!
Any medicines ….?
