Rage Against Self.

1 07 2005
I am nothing but a hypocrite! Yes, a nut who knows only to boast. A chatter box who speaks big words like “socialism” and “real democrazy”. Who read a hell a lot only to think and find justifications for own actions. Impotent! Yes, I am …….. A bloody fucking bullshit ………….

“What is the matter with you?” – Yes, I heard your question. This is not an overflow of emotions out of “worldly intoxications”. Exactly not. I take alcohol or any intoxicant for that matter. This is an overflow of rage – a rage against self.

We watched two movies today back to back. Metropolis (Silent movie, 1927) and Hasarom Khwayisheen Aisi (Hindi, 2005). Both thought provocking in a way but still incomplete in a lot of aspects (I’m not talking about the technical perfection). The stream of thoughts which came after analysing both, has culminated into a rage. A feeling of pity for myself. Something always there inside, but hidden brilliantly with the help of diplomatic smile and words which were efficiently inculcated by the system although with own consciousness. I and you (the people reading this blog) are only impotent selfcentered morrons who can only camouflage with glorious acts of hypocrisy which we call elegance ……….

“What is the issue? What was so gripping about those movies?”; Aren’t these your question. Yeah, I know this needs explanation. And yes more so for we are only those middle class amul babies who do not want to think. And even if we do, happy to control them to the limits of our existing rotten ideals.

I have heard a lot about the “real India” (or the real world). But frankly never felt although tried hard to feel. Ultimately convinced myself that I did. Why should a system be so skewed in certain people’s favour? Who ever they are; which ever class (any yes as per todays reality against the downtrodden, socially and economically poor class).

More than the scenes from the movies, it was the basic underlying reality that bit me. Hasaron Khwayishen Aisi presents a very indifferent potray of the naxalite movement. The cult attitude which was more a stray syndrome. The story line and picturisation although par above any average Hindi movie, was presented more as a commodity to be sold. Yes, we are living in a market. All of us. As mere pawns of the masters who determine our fates. May be the invisible hand of “Adam Smith”. But what is it which is going on now? Why have we become so indifferent and insensitive? Why an “American dream” is the sole thing that we (most of us) could visualize? Of course, I agree that virtues do exist in ourselves in the midst of these contradictions. But I am talking about this ME. A member of this barbarian, selfcentred, indifferent but fortunate youth. Who made us? Or is it our own make? I simply don’t know ………….

I was confused regarding whom to sympathise with. Perhaps the character Geeta is better. Atleast she was consistent through out. The movie really potrays the contradictions in life. Perhaps its futility too. But no. This feel of contradictions in life is not the reason why we are like this. Over protectionism from the very childhood could be something to put the blame up on. Yet, ultimately the question becomes “is it mere fate that decides our destinies?”. Have we no role in it? Since, I believe yes we do, I have to admit my hypocrisy. Not just me, all of us. Perhaps hypocrisy is what has increased in the society (not freedom, not any other ideals) after 58 glorious years of freedom. And mind you we stand with no right to speak about freedom. WE HAVE TAKEN IT FOR GRANTED. We simply do not know its value. We don’t. Neither did the previous generation consisting of people who rose against emergency could teach us. What are we then? Confused souls! Mortals with only self ambitions; dreamers of glorious selfs. And still, at times speakers with inexhaustable stream of words to add value to “personality”.

Leave nationalism and all bullshits. Where did the empathy vanish? We have only sympathies (I mean the handful of better of people). All we desire is wealth, power and sex. Yes, full stop!

………………… Plenty more to write. …. But this is blog ………..
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Hmm ……… This is after a pause. It feels good to express own rage. Better off now! But wouldn’t like to take back any of those words. I AM. WE ARE. Can we do something? Well, optimism is a deadly disease which I had from day one. …….. So …….. Yes, I might be or like to …….. Too coward to be emphatic as to say will be.

I am no supporter of violence even as a stray incidence. “Violence” – Use of physical force against people unless as an act of self defence by an indivigual or group. Not the violence against “tyranny” but against everything else including people described scape goats (or the hench men of the system who aren’t the real culprits) in that so called holy altar. So naxalism as what I could read, isn’t appealing. But atleast they weren’t hypocrites. So were do we stand?

Well, it certainly makes sense to be a physicist. I like it. World needs them too. But when reality bites it becomes a mirror showing what we actually are.

At last a word of self consolation – Atleast, I think like this(it has made no difference in the present). But with time and maturity, I might be. Just might be. After all when all people are shades of grey, Am I so bad! AM I? ………
Don’t know. But putting accross these thoughts do give some relief …………………..




2 responses

8 09 2005

words are more conversant when CH3-COOH[damn] molecules are at action in the grey matter!!

27 02 2006

fitness ebooks for your home library collection.

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